The last few days have been particularly trying emotionally.
I’d blame my Senator, but really, it was just a tiny reminder.
This month is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I got an email about it from my Senator about it. Standard boilerplate congressional email, but it was the doorway to another emotional minefield.
Over the last few weeks, while I’ve thought about how to approach the topic again, it had me reflecting on the relationship that put me in the frighteningly large group of male survivors.
This is about awareness, but more, I’d like to share what it’s like when I’m at the lowest emotional state. While there are happy memories from my past relationship, and a few very dark ones, in general, the years in which I was being abused are something of a blur.
The brightest moments between me and my ex-wife still stand out enough, moments where I was hopeful everything could work out. Mixed in there are the stellar emotions of the birth of my son.
On the darker side, I remember real fear. While I didn’t think my wife would ever hurt me physically, she threatened to ruin me in other ways. Calling the police was a common one.
And the worst, of all of this, is the emotions surrounding the birth of my daughter, are not as powerful in my memory as my son. Unfortunately, those were the darkest hours in many ways. I was beaten, and it affected everything around me.
But things got better. I’m almost done with school, my son is five years old, my daughter is almost four. I have new friends, and regained some old friends. With some effort, it can get better.
To those who suspect a friend is being abused, keep yourself present and available. Call regularly. Talk with them, invite them out. Just a warning, though: they might not be in a position to accept what’s going on. Give it time, and be there when they’re ready. That’s what I needed when the cycle finally broke, and I am willing to bet I’m not the only one.
The hardest part is waiting, you know? You want to help, and whether the issue is addiction or abuse or (in my family’s situation) the changes being brought on by aging, the impetus for change has to come from the person who’s in the situation. You don’t want the person you care for to be hurt.
I’m glad you and your kids are in a better place.
No Patrick, you are not the only one by a long stretch. Glad you’re in a better place now.
Thank you, Patrick, for being strong enough to share this with us. I can’t begin to imagine how painful it must be for you and thankful to hear you and your kids have broken out of the cycle and you’re able to move forward with your life. Just remember you do have friends.
I’m so glad things are looking up for you, even amidst the tough times brought on by the memories. Thank you for sharing your story.
I’m so happy things are better for you now, Patrick. It’s wonderful that you are able to speak out. You never know who you may help by telling your story.